my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
