I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
