I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
