The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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