dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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