At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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