my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
