You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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