woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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