Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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