I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
