They should really pass out barf bags in church
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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