I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
