Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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