JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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