Cold hands, warm shart.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
