toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
