Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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