mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
