Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
