I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
