Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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