found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
