I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was a trapeze. enough said
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
