Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
