Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
