Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
