just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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