shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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