sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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