I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
