A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
