Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
