piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just blew my weed a kiss
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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