He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
