allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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