it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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