yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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