So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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