I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
