I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Randomize
