Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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