...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
