Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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