I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
