ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
