i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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