saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
