My sheets look like a crime scene.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
