if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
