Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he thought i was a dude.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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