I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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