Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
