I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
