I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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