im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
