turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
