Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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